I started ‘chatting’ around the end of 1998. Prior to that I guess you could say I made fun of those that used chat programs to ‘talk’ to people. I decided to give it a shot one day out of complete boredom and shortly after met a group of people I would eventually meet with on a nightly basis to just BS for a few hours. One of these people is ‘Shelby’ who is to this day a very dear friend of mine in ‘real life’. Shel and I grew close and have shared many tears and laughs over the years.
One night in mid Summer of 1999 when she was about ready to leave for the evening (being 3 hours ahead of my time-zone) we had a rather pleasant and perky fellow pop into the ‘room’ we had been occupying. Shel laughingly wished me luck (in a private message) as she thought this person was a wee bit of a dork. After we got to talking we discovered a mutual love of Monty Python and a shared sense of humour. I had no idea that that evening would begin what turned out to be a wonderful love story for both of us. We spent time talking about television shows we watched as kids and other memories and just had a very nice chat. I found out his name was Tom he worked in television and he lived in California but didn’t really know a whole lot more about him.
I had, for quite a long time, been figuring out how to get out of the bad marriage I was in. It took a lot of courage but I finally worked up the nerve to tell my ex that I wanted a divorce. We had spent 9 months apart the previous year when he got transferred out of town to work and I refused to leave. The writing was on the wall back then and I didn’t want to give up the security of my job. I ended up staying in the same place as him for a number of months after the announcement, an experience that I would prefer to forget….and during this rather tumultuous time my online friends, including Tom stood by and let me vent and cry and just talk it all out.
I eventually found my own place and moved in October of 1999. I felt so independent and a little happiness started to grow. Just the peace of being able to come into my own home and not worry about fighting or discord just made the thought of HOME a wonderful word. It was my sanctuary. I used to keep Tom amused by stories of my darling cats. Nutmeg the slightly shy and slow one and Sage who was whip smart, opened drawers and brought socks out to me and announcing his arrival with a sock stifled meow until I acknowledged him with a ‘Thank you’. He would bring dozens of them until I would say something. It made Tom laugh.
I guess you could say that I put Tom firmly in my ‘friends’ category, after all I was just getting out of a marriage, had two Sons to raise and a bad taste in my mouth about relationships. I swore at the time I would NEVER get married again. Tom played it pretty cool and although he told me later he HAD been interested in meeting me at some point. We lived so far apart and it really never occurred to me to think that way. He had broached the subject of him travelling up this way (said he had always wanted to see BC) and I guess I got a bit scared at that. I wasn’t sure how he would take it but I emailed him and told him that I really wasn’t ready for anything of that nature and hoped he didn’t hate me for saying so. In fact he was super nice about it and was more worried that he had been too forward. Of course he hadn’t, he doesn’t have a forward bone in his body!
The first Christmas I spent on my own I didn’t have a lot of money and neither did anyone in my family so it meant no exchanging gifts. My ex kept the small tree we had for his girlfriend and her kids and all I had was a few lights which I strung up over the bookcase in our livingroom. I made sure the Boys had a great Christmas though but it meant a lot of sacrifice. Tom lived so far apart from his family. They are all scattered in different States yet still very close which I always found endearing. We decided that first Christmas that we would meet up after I got home from my Mother’s dinner and we chatted while he opened up his Xmas gifts. He would describe them to me as he slowly opened them and enjoyed his ‘Yule log’ a nice single barrel bourbon he bought for the occasion. It was fun for me and I didn’t know it but he said later on how bad he felt that I didn’t have any presents to open. It didn’t matter to me though I had fun vicariously through him.
We continued to be friends and I kept him at arms length. At times we didn’t talk as much as others but he was never far away. We flirted with others, I dated a couple of men (aka losers) but each of them set off some red flag or the other but still something kept us together. My friend Shel will claim it was her doing (haha) but really neither of us wanted to completely let the other one drop out of touch. One night we started talking about stuff that I had learned about him and I guess he was touched about how much I remembered. Just little details of stories that he had told me or people that he had told me about. I told him that when I care I pay attention….it felt like a special moment a little bit of a tide turn I guess.
Just before Xmas 2000 I asked Tom if he would mind it if we met again on Xmas Eve to open gifts. I had a couple this year as things were better so we could do it together this time. To my happiness Tom was just as enthusiastic about it and we met up yet again to share the Xmas season. Slowly I guess it began to dawn on me that I had a very special friend in Tom.
My cat Sage got very sick in early January and I was spending a lot of time going back and forth to the vets. He was having troubles breathing and they weren’t sure what was wrong. Sage was my sweetheart and I loved him with all my heart. Not a lot of people understood how I felt . I tearfully told Tom what was going on one night and he was so kind to me, said he understood what I was going through and gave me his cell number so I could call him at work if I needed to talk. Poor Sage would drag himself into his litter box as sick as he was never wanting to make a mess. In January 2001 Sage had to be put down. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. He was just suffering so much. I held him while he was given the medicine that would stop his heart. He was given a sedative and then they infused the meds through a tube they had inserted in his leg. He was looking at me when they did it. He let out one cry and then he was gone. I felt horrible absolutely devastated. I sat patting him for a good hour not wanting to say a final goodbye. The vet had warned me that he may lose control of his functions when he was going but even at the end he managed to hold it in. The vet cried with me, she was wonderful and I will always be grateful to her for that. I had him cremated and I still have his ashes. He was and always will be the most special cat I’ve ever had.
I cried the whole way home and then again with the Boys when I told them he was gone. I couldn’t bring myself to call Tom but I emailed him the news. Other than my Mom and the Kids people seemed to have the attitude that it was just a cat and I could also get another, in fact I had another cat who was still alive. I guess I shouldn’t lump everyone into that same category but at the time it just seemed so. Tom on the other had was so understanding and was so supportive, not from him were any of the callous words I had heard from others. He helped me feel better. A few weeks later the Kids asked if we could get another kitten. I wasn’t sure it was the right time but they seemed to need it for the healing. I asked my wonderful landlords if I could get another cat (even though I had been told no replacing if any one of them went) but by then they had grown fond of me and the Boys and said yes of course right away. Cinnamon came into our lives with a bang. Cinnamon who was and is a going concern and gave me plenty of material for her exploits that I shared with Tom.
Tom never forgot to sent me a card for my Birthday, nor a greeting for Xmas etc. On Valentine’s day 2001 I got a really cute e-card from him and I was talking about Tom to my friend Cynthia, about how he has always been there for me and how thoughtful he was and then I guess I had a bit of an epiphany. I asked her why the heck had I never given him a chance? Yeah the whole internet dating thing was lame, and the chances for a relationship to go anywhere were slim but yanno…. something told me to give it a chance. My worry now was did I leave it too late…
